I had a gut feeling you’d be online now. I can give you advice. Is it about love? Please say no.

KATHLEEN: It’s coming on Christmas. They’re cutting down trees. Do you know that Joni Mitchell song? I wish I had a river I could skate away on. Such a sad song. And not really about Christmas at all. But I was thinking about it tonight as I was decorating my Christmas tree. Unwrapping funky ornaments made of Popsicle sticks and missing my mother so much I almost couldn’t breathe. I always miss my mother at Christmas. But somehow it is worse this year since I need some advice from her. I need her to make me some cocoa and tell me that everything that’s going badly in my life will sort itself out. JOE: What kind of advice do you need? Can I help? KATHLEEN: Can you help? I wish you could help. I wish... JOE: I had a gut feeling you’d be online now. Hi. I can give you advice. I’m great at advice. KATHLEEN: If only you could help. JOE: Is it about love? Please say no. No. How cute is that? KATHLEEN: My business is in trouble. JOE: I’m a brilliant businessman. It’s what I do best. What’s your business? KATHLEEN: No specifics. Remember? JOE: Well, minus specifics, it’s hard to help except to say go to the mattresses. KATHLEEN: What? What does that mean? JOE: It’s from The Godfather. It means you have to go to war. The Godfather is the I Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation? “Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.“ What day of the week is it? “Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday.“ The answer to your question is: “Go to the mattresses.“ You’re at war. It’s not personal, it’s business. Recite that to yourself every time you feel you’re losing your nerve. I know you worry about being brave. Don’t. This is your chance. Fight! Fight to the death!